When it comes to sexuality: is the grass always greener next door?

They say the grass is always greener next door. I’m talking about sex here.

The neighbors must have it so much better. Calmer. Easier. Sexier. Spicier. More frequent.

And that hot colleague at work that you connect with? Maybe they’re a better (bed) partner than yours… should you find out? Or keep fantasizing?

We’ve heard the ‘greener grass’ expression so many times, that many have started to believe it. As well as the non-sense narrative that passion naturally fades in a long-term relationship.

Add to that availability (hooking up is just one click away) and the fleeing social media culture, and we have a recipe for people constantly hoping there must be something better out there.

The question ‘is this it?’ is not new. It’s very human to doubt sometimes. The newness can wear off, every-day life does indeed happen.

If we’re not careful, resentment, disconnection and complacency take over and sex becomes a Sunday morning 20-minute habit. If it happens at all.

But this doesn’t have to be your status quo.

I know this from experience. I’ve been in relationship where I wasn’t very satisfied and still got caught up in the narrative of greener grass. Ánd I now know it doesn’t have to be this way.

My partner regularly states – with some surprise in his voice – that the grass really is the greenest in our own sex life. Something he never experienced before (neither did I).

So: how do we do that? What could I share with you, so that you keep your own grass watered enough, so it doesn’t lose its color?

The hubby and I talked about it a little. We realized it comes down to 3 key words: acknowledgement, prioritization, pleasure.  

Let’s go over them. Keep in mind, I’m oversimplifying here, just to give you the basics. There’s more to it, as you can understand.

Acknowledge

You catch more flies with honey than with vinegar. Which means: The more you appreciate each other, the more the heart opens. The more the heart opens, the more willing your partner is to open her legs or get his penis up.

What does this mean?

If you’re in a relationship with a woman: be present with her emotions. Don’t try to fix her, just hear her. Acknowledge all the things she does, including what she’s going through and where she is in her cycle. Appreciate her with words and actions. This will definitely increase the ability of her opening up to sex.

If you’re in a relationship with a man: acknowledge what he brings to the table, instead of complaining about what he’s not. Celebrate the wins, even if they’re small. This is how he feels respected and seen.

Prioritize sex

Couples with a satisfying sex life, where the grass is super green, prioritize sex. They make it a habit to schedule enough time together that allows for sex to be an option. It doesn't sound romantic, but it works. 

Why? Because it's not about scheduling sex itself; it's about making time for each other and creating a context that opens up the possibility of sex. They never forget that they are lovers – more than just partners and parents.

Pleasure-based

When I work with men in heterosexual relationships (which is what I do a lot), I say: focus on her pleasure.

When I work with women, I say: focus on your pleasure.

(With same-sex couples it generally depends on the underlying issue at hand.)

Women have forgotten their own pleasure for too long. Even now, in this time of day, countless women center their partner’s pleasure over their own. Many have lost touch with their own sexuality. For that reason, I teach them how to reclaim pleasure. Also when you pleasure your beloved: make it about you. Because you enjoy playing with his penis / her vulva or riding them like a cowgirl. The action may be the same, but the intention is entirely different, which creates a different energy.

The most important thing to remember here: it’s about pleasure. Not reaching goals. Not orgasms, penetration, or whatever you ‘think’ sex needs to look like. Just pleasure. Become totally obsessed by your partner’s little toe for 45 minutes. Or enjoy eating each other up with your eyes only – no touch allowed.

These three elements – acknowledgement, prioritization, pleasure - will make a groundbreaking change in your relationship.

Educate yourself!

But it will not make a difference without Educating Yourself.

You may thínk you know a lot about sex, because you’ve been doing it for so long. The truth is, that I see it every time I work with individuals and couples: they know very little. For example, about conscious touch, about true presence, about the different sexual realms (beyond connection). Even when they’ve explored a little tantra, there's much else to learn and different perspectives to integrate.

Which is great news! Because it means there’s a lot of room to find tasty, clear and nourishing water to grow green grass.

So… educate yourself on the relationship between your nervous system and sex. Hormonal changes (hers ánd his) and sex. What desire is and the nonsense you may believe about it. Learn about the different ways we respond to sexual innuendos. And the role of context and how to work with that context.

Replace complacency with curiosity.
Busy-ness with better priorities.
Partnership with lovership.

I am already excited for you!

But hey ho… let’s be real. This one article won’t make all the difference. The true magic does not come with information, but implementation and integration.

That’s definitely a fun journey to go on, as my clients will confirm.

“I had no idea how many stories I still believed to be true about sex and sexuality. How I basically held myself back, held my own pleasure back! My husband and I are very happy and our relationship is solid, but we really needed to be guided by a third person. We’re learning so much! And it’s enhanced our sex life massively.”  - Femke