Emotional maturity: Don't take yourself too seriously!

One of the most underrated qualities of emotional maturity, if you ask me, is the ability to not take yourself too seriously.

Let me explain.

When there’s stress, crisis, conflict, disappointment or another form of experience we’ve deemed as ‘negative’, our nervous system responds.

Usually, we either go into a fight or flight mode (mobilized), and when that hasn’t worked, our system collapses into a passive, numb and exhausted state (immobilized).

Similarly, when we’ve been in a state of hopelessness, numbness, passivity, our system may at some point propel us into active, fighting mode again to at least feel some agency again.

When we’re in either of those dysregulated states, we are not connected to the adult part of us. That part has left the building, helloooo coping mechanisms and immature inner children!

In fact, those immature parts don’t even WANT to connect. Not with yourself, and definitely not with others.

And what happens? We fully identify with the pain we’re in, with little room for nuance or compassion, and even less willingness to repair.

Take me, for example.

A while ago, I’ve become so overwhelmed by the thousands of plates I kept spinning, that my nervous system got super fried. I’m talking KFC style. I was no fun.

My partner, who was dealing with long-term illness, had little to no capacity to be with my bullshit and really got to see an ugly side of me. And visa versa ;-).

We were two grown-ups allowing their immature parts to take over the relationship. (Yes, it happens to us too).

It hád to clash. It did.

The weeks after this clash, I felt like I was parked in Walibi (read: non-stop emotional rollercoasters) while being homesick for the Efteling (read: fairytale experiential themepark that feels like home).

I was só tired. I cried so much.
Anxiety levels reached top levels.
I used my anger and my ‘no’ to re-empower myself.
Even signed up for a new training and recorded a new course.
It was exhausting, even though I alchemized the sh*t outta my own misery.

I gained insights. I broke patterns. Ignored the pull of my coping mechanisms. No escapism, just being with it all and reaching out for support.

I explored new territory within - champions league level.
BUT… I also fell victim to my own mind’s tricks.

Why? Because, even though I still got shit done, I kept identifying with my inner state.

Life felt soooo heavy.

Until I came home one evening, with a terrible headache as if I had a hangover after three nights of non-stop partying (which I hadn’t). And I thought to myself…

I. AM. SO. DONE.
Is this really how I want to spend my time?! Oh hell no!

I mean; I’m all for feeling the feels. And that really takes time and comes in waves. I sail the ocean and its storms, without bypassing any harbour.

But I also knew there’s a difference between choosing to move through it, versus choosing to move in.

I did nót want the key to this house permanently.

I realized that I really longed for one BIG thing: A glimpse of light. A little smile.  Maybe even the ability to laugh and not take it all too seriously.

In that moment I did what I always do to stop identifying with my inner state:

I pictured myself as a little clumsy pile of human being, just this super tiny speck in the universe, struggling to get out of the mud and find the gold.

(Aka: Taking some healthy distance, and putting things in perspective).

I could see ‘poor little me’ again and I smiled. For a brief second I didn’t take myself too seriously.

A few weeks later, I saw two rainbows together; one was smaller, brighter, the bigger one was dimmed, but still present. It made me smile again.

Dear reader. I know how hard life can be sometimes. How all its complexities may wear you down and make you feel hopeless even. How conflict or crisis can feel threatening and make you want to close off or lash out.

But please know that it’s not who you are. In the end, everything wants to grow and come back to a state of love. As do you, I’m sure ;-).

Take small steps and see if there’s a tiny bit of sunlight that could make you smile again.

In the end, we’re all just tiny specks in the universe, just trying our best to make something of this thing called life. You really can’t go wrong here, you know.

And if you’d like somebody (a professional with lived experience) to stand with you for a bit and guide you towards your own light again, you know where to find me.