Feeling free within a Relationship: is that even possible?

h“I really value my freedom.”

I hear that quite a lot in my practice.

And in my own personal history with dating and relationships I’ve come across that sentence more than once.

Heck, I was always on the barricade for my own freedom for years. I wanted nothing more than that: to be free.

Don’t try to tame me, oh no…!!! I am a freeeeee birrrrrd.

Needless to say, freedom is a right.
And your most treasured good - something you realize even more once you lose it.

Yet, when people in my practice overly emphasize their need for freedom, that definitely makes me wonder: what are you trying to be free from? Who has tried to tie you down?

Very often, a really big need for freedom is a reaction to something that tried to control us in the past.

In my case, it was a cult and a quite dominant, controling, over-protective mother that led me to develop an adverse reaction to anybody who told me what to do and what not - including partners. And so I advocated for my sexual freedom (non-monogamy) in almost all former relationships, didn’t want to work for a boss and started my own business and never lived anywhere longer than a few years.

But was this freedom?
Or was it avoidance in disguise?

When you learn that intimacy = enmeshment

Many clients I work with who have a large need for freedom, are quite similar to who I used to be.

Smart, loving and driven people, who think they’re fully enjoying the freedoms of life, while actually avoiding the layers underneath. And… avoiding love and intimacy.

Why? Because they learned that intimacy equals enmeshment.

Very often, their first relationships (= parents or caregivers) were characterized by unhealthy levels of control, protection and sometimes parents relying on them too much. Even when the upbringing seemed ideal – no divorces, safe housing, great education, plenty of food on the table – they may have experienced that their parents didn’t allow them to fall, fail and find their own way.

How one reacts to this is not always exactly the same. But very often you see that growing up in a symbiotic relationship with one ore more caregivers, means that you haven't learned how to set boundaries.

So what do you do instead?

You may become the ultimate chameleon. You adjust. You move along with the situation and keep your mouth shut. You become cool, easy-going, seemingly free yet with little voice and little boundaries. You’re the one who’s always fun to be around, because you don’t make a hassle. But you also avoid expressing what you truly feel and simply get out on time to avoid conflict. You seem to great to get along with, but you’re not being real. You’re being boundaryless and avoidant at the same time.

Being the cool girl/guy is not being relational.

Perhaps you've become the Rebel (sometimes you even begin with the chameleon and discover the Rebel later on). You decided: no freakin’ more! I have a right to stand up for myself and I will not be controled by anyone!!! And so freedom becomes the number one priority and there’s No Way you will let anyone touch your space and time. You learn how to set boundaries like a Champ, without realizing that what you’re doing is not more relational than the previous reaction.

Reaction versus Response

Both reactions aren’t real freedom; you’re still shackled by your past. Why? Because you’re still reacting to, not choosing freely and in relation to another.

The invitation, dear friend, is to go within and ask yourself: what am I trying to free myself from? And once you know the answer: clear that out. Then, you can choose how to respond, rather than react.

Take my client who realized that when he defends himself against his partner’s controling behavior, he’s actually standing up to his over-protective mother, rather than being the generous, loving partner who supports his woman.

"True liberation is freedom from our own automatic responses." - Jiddu Krishnamurti.

Read that quote again and let it sink in. Once we liberate ourselves from the past, we can truly experience freedom in our relationship to ourselves and others. This freedom includes boundaries.

Like kids need a fence around the playground to feel safe, we need healthy boundaries, structure, agreements and collaboration to safely play in our relationships.

Becoming a Relational Team with your partner means you set those agreements and structures together, hearing both of your voices, yes’s and no’s. Meanwhile you both keep liberating yourself from old automatic responses and you learn about the skills of relationality.

That’s freedom, baby…