It used to be play. Why does my relationship feel like 'hard work' now?!

 “Why does my relationship feel like work these days? How can I make it feel like ‘play’ again?”

She was asking for a friend ;-).

I smiled when I read her text.

Isn’t it something we all recognize? How it used to be so easy, and now it can be harrrrrrd? [insert meme of a tired cat sliding down the stairs in exhaustion]

 Welcome to life, dear reader.

The early stages: Love without Knowledge

The reason it’s play in the beginning is multifaceted. Firstly, because of the chemistry in your brain – your brain is literally on drugs those first months. A great feeling! And very needed to at least build some attachment; if we’d see their flaws immediately, we’d never hold on to anyone. Obviously, this drugged state is not very sustainable over the long run with work and other obligations. Your friends, for example, may want to see you again.

Another reason? There’s no history! So of course it’s easy. Things are smooth, harmonious and that’s what you want all the time. This new person hasn’t traumatized you yet. They’re still that perfect human that would nevah evah hurt you.

Right...

Not to mention all the things you’re focusing on in those early days. Secretly we put our object of affection on a pedestal. They’re so kind, they’re so smart, they’re so different, they’re so breathtakingly good in bed! Whoa…

Over time, though, you start seeing their humanity. Which includes their flaws. Given that our brain is wired to look for danger – this is how it protects you from harm – you may unconsciously start focusing on the flaws a little more. And more. Not realizing that you’re under the influence of your brain sabotaging you to keep you safe.

It’s only natural that the drugs wear off and that you start seeing the truth of who they are.

The way they handle their emotions. Or yours.
The way they react to changes in life.
How they deal with busy-ness and stress.
How they handle conflict.

The tough time: Knowledge without Love

That’s when the second phase of the relationship really starts.

If love without knowledge is phase one, knowledge without love is phase two – in the words of my teacher Terry real.

They’ve fallen down from the pedestal and they’ve now become the nagging, immature, distant or clingy little person that you need to deal with every day. You now know. But the love is far away.

* sigh *

Meanwhile, you notice that what was once smooth, now feels rusty. What was once easygoing, now feels difficult. Play has become hard work.

Is this it, then? Is this simply what you need to accept?

No.

But what you dó need to understand, is that every relationship has a rhythm.

Harmony is followed by disharmony. Yet disharmony should be followed by repair.

That’s where many people go wrong: they have no mechanism for repair in place. And so, they get stuck in the loop of harmony and disharmony, without properly dealing with the disharmony itself.

 The result? The difficult conversations are ignored or get replaced with even more fights. The disconnection is swept under the rug. Complaints may start increasing, resentment builds up and you end up in a dynamic that doesn’t serve any of you.

That doesn’t leave much room for play, doesn’t it?

Play, after all, is all about freedom of experimenting, without goals or expectations, allowing each other to fail and laughing about it. Play, first and foremost, is a space you enter together. An energy, more than an act.

In that space, you invite compassion. Vulnerability. The ability to keep things micro, instead of bringing back past disappointments. You bring in innocence. The innocence you felt in the beginning, when you loved without knowing. Yet now, it’s accompanied by knowledge of who they are.

For the brave ones: Knowing Love

Which then brings you to the third stage: knowing love. This is after you’ve been through some hurdles together. You’ve survived hurting each other, and you’re still here.

Many young relationships don’t get there, because the stage of disharmony (knowledge without love) was too hard to bear, and they didn’t know how to get through it – how to take responsibility in a loving way to address their own childhood trauma and being patient with their partner doing the same.

But if you both feel hopeful, and very willing to get through this, here’s what may help you: 

1. Be grateful. By focusing on gratitude, you train your brain to see the good things about your beloved. Share 3 things you’re grateful for in each other before you go to sleep.
2. Schedule play time. A time that allows for adult playing (Twister, sex, weird dress-up parties… go crazy!), during which you set aside the heaviness and focus on connection and fun.
3. Do something new together. Seeing each other in a new situation can disrupt the cycle of hard work.

Remember: where attention flows, energy grows. The more you focus on how ‘hard’ it is, the harder it will seem to become. The more you focus on play and joy, the more that can grow. Celebrate the small moments, even if it’s just 15% full, as we say in Relational Life Therapy®.

So much more to say about this, but for now... I wish you all the best!