Losing strategy 1: wanting to be right
Losing strategy 3: withdrawing
Losing strategy 2: fear of losing control
It’s such a nasty word, isn’t it? To be called a control freak.
So much judgement in it.
Whereas we often do this with so much love and devotion.
Moreover, like with any other non-helpful strategy, there’s an intelligence behind a need to control.
It’s a survival strategy that kept you afloat when things seemed to fall apart.
You, the true hero, kept things together by taking charge, by being there for everyone. You saw that somebody needed to keep a tight rein on the situation, and because nobody else did, you jumped in.
It may be a pattern you’ve become a true champion in.
You’re the go-getter, the one everyone relies on, the pillar people learn on.
Always there, always available.
And always feeling like you’re suffocated.
Because there’s also the idea that you can’t let go and can’t trust others to take care of things. You have answers (and not knowing is killing for you!), and (you think) they don’t.
It’s such a lonely place, isn’t it?
To then be called a ‘freak’ is not very kind or loving.
Especially because you’re trying so hard!
Still, it doesn’t help… you’re taking away the opportunity for others to step in. They may feel intruded upon, not trusted.
Meanwhile you’re depleting yourself.
How does this need to control show itself?
The need to control may show up in many different ways, some may or may not apply:
- Overtly, by micromanaging your kids, partner, team members, going over what they do and excessively correcting them
- Overtly, by crossing boundaries of privacy and going over people’s stuff, because you need to know everything that’s going on
- Covertly, by taking on way more than you can carry, constantly giving and giving, while deactivating your own needs
- Overtly, by intruding into situations that you’re not even a part of
Is this something you may recognize?
I’m guessing you’re tired if you do.
I’m guessing that underneath all that doing, helping, keeping things afloat, there’s a scared, younger version of you that simply wants to relax and surrender.
A part of you that deeply longs to be taken care of.
But because you feel that you can’t trust others at this point (for whatever reason), and that the world will fall apart when you don’t hold it all together, you stay stuck in that everlasting loop of control.
I know what this is like, as this is my biggest losing strategy of all.
My version: over-giving. As soon as there’s a disruption, I jump in to help. I don’t feel the need to solve it all or fix everything, but I do feel a need to be there constantly. In my system, I’m energetically tuned in to them all the time. People need to be able to lean on me. Which is fine in itself but not very helpful if I forget to stay centered within.
Learning to trust life
One of the most difficult challenges for all those lovers of control and over-givers, is to learn how to do nothing.
Nothing.
Be with the void.
Trust and surrender.
Easier said than done, though ;-).
This is another one of those beautiful, spiritual messages that mean nothing when you’re living in that constant state of survival.
As with any other non-helpful, maladaptive strategy, going to the root of that fear is essential to recreate a healthier relationship with that part of you. A need to control covers up lots of anxiety... and I understand if this is something that feels difficult to admit right now.
But what I’d love to give you today, dear ‘I-deeply-long-to-be-taken-care-of-but-don’t-know-how-to-let-go-of-control’ human, is to start asking for what you want in the little things and see if you can maybe give others the opportunity to give back to you.
By controlling, you’re actually withholding others from stepping up, you know…
And you’re depriving yourself of the gift of receiving.
Small steps.
Make them bigger as you go along.
Ask your partner to book the vacation, instead of you.
Get your kids to do the dishwasher and be okay with the cutlery being unorganized.
Go on that nourishing retreat where you can simply be.
And ask for help, also from a professional, in this process of trusting more, so that you won’t do it by yourself again.
Breathe in… and breathe out.
Good luck.
(Credit: This concept of the 5 losing strategies, of which this is the second, comes from Relational Life Therapy ® by Terry Real.)
Can I support you on your journey? Let's have a chat and see how!