Losing strategy 3: withdrawal. Don't come near me!

The hedgehog that curls up and cannot be touched.
The little snail that retreats into its house.
The turtle that protects itself with its hard shell.
If only we had a natural layer of protection on our backs like them.

Withdrawing is the third unhelpful strategy, according to Relational Life Therapy ® (RLT).

Withdrawing happens when a person becomes so overwhelmed, that they don’t know how else to protect themselves but to hide behind walls.

Don’t touch me.
Don’t come near.
Don’t engage, I’m out of order.
Leave me alone, I'm fine, (even though I don’t feel safe at all) 

It’s a defense strategy that you may have developed because you didn’t know how else to ask for safety and emotional regulation.

It could be that you simply were never taught how to do this differently, because our caregivers were there on a more practical level rather than emotional. You may have modeled the withdrawal from them.

It could also be that your caregivers showed rather intrusive behavior. They fought when you were present, which made you feel unsafe. They maybe relied on you way too much to take care of them (parentification), which made you feel like your life was there so serve others.  

Whatever the reason – learned behavior or reactive behavior – it shows that you developed a way of protecting yourself. It was smart! Yet it doesn’t help in adult relationships and can be rather destructive.

Why? Because your environment may feel excluded, as if they're not allowed to be engaged in your life. They may feel that your inconsistency in presence means you can't be trusted or that you don't care. Obviously, that's not necessarily the case. Chances are you feel not good enough, and don't want to bother them too much with your troubles. But for people around you, you're not a bother. They care.

​​​​Which actually means that your withdrawal deprives you of what's possible for you: true intimacy.

Often, this is referred to as love avoidance. But the true root behind this, is a deep craving for acceptance, love and closeness – even though your nervous system doesn’t know yet how to allow this.

The root of avoidance is fear of abandonment. Same coin ;-).

Instead of recognizing this fear, your system has created a way of not feeling that fear. Like a blanket is covering that part. The walls are safer than feeling. You've started emphasizing the need for freedom in your life, making choices that won't interfere with your sense of autonomy too much. You may have created this false narrative that relationships aren't for you, and that it's impossible to be free with somebody else, forgetting that true freedom is an inner state. Meanwhile, you bypass the fact that we're all biologically wired for connection: you're no exception.

How does withdrawal show up? 

• You may simply not talk about your emotions or inner world, keeping things superficial.
• You may communicate less and less.
• You may isolate when things get hard, thinking you're better off alone.
• You may avoid conversations with your partner.
•  You may become rather cold and mean in your presence, only being there physically, but not reachable for others.
• You may self-medicate or flee into destructive behavior.

Can't or don't want to?

On some level it feels good. To be safe between your walls. Especially because you don't want to bother anybody with your mess. You may experience a sense of shame and guilt for letting people down (feeling inferior).  You may feel like you are incapable at the moment. It’s a feeling of powerlessness. A disempowered state. “I can’t” is the leading thought.

However, you might also withdraw and feel 100% entitled to do so. Like you deserve it! Considering others? Nah. “I don’t want to” is the leading thought. It's a bit of a self-righteous state and feels só good when you're in it. Being passive-agressive, mean, not showing any emotion...  Unintentionally, you’re communicating that right now they are not worthy of your attention. This is a falsely empowered state.

You may ping pong from one to the other. Your initial reaction might be to move towards grandiosity, and as soon as you see what you did, you may sink into shame.

Or the immobilizing energy of shame becomes too much for your system, that it propels you into grandiosity where you feel more sense of power and agency.  

After all, “I can’t” is discouraging. “I don’t want to” gives choice ;-).

Both are adaptations you developed over time, most likely in your younger years. And yes, they’re maladaptive now.
 

Listen, we're all human and we all experience overwhelm. 

It's very okay to want your space.
 

But the question is: how do you create that space for yourself so you can feel safe again, while also taking into account your relationships?

Do you take it unconsensually? = withdrawal

Or do create it responsibly? = responsible distance taking

Your lesson as one who withdraws, is to learn skills of vulnerability, advocating for what you want and need, and – most importantly: learning how to negotiate.  

THE BEST NEWS: Relating is a skill, it can be learned.

Because, dear love avoider, you deserve love and connection like anyone else. You may feel that it’s impossible for you, but through looking at those inner (mother) wounds, you may yet discover that healing is also there for you.

(Credit: This concept of the 5 losing strategies, of which this is the third, comes from Relational Life Therapy ® by Terry Real.)