Losing strategy 4: Unbridled self-expression. Please hear me!!!

Some people are amazing with words.

Like me. I’m one of those people. Ha. I used to write for a living, there’s a reason for that.

At the same time, what not everybody is aware of, is that this verbal strength can be used as a weapon against those who you may feel threatened by.

I know it, I’ve been there ;). Using my verbal skills to basically create a wall of words to shut people out and push them in a corner.

You see, the fourth losing – not-so-helpful – strategy we distinguish in RLT is ‘unbridled self-expression’.

It’s about more than words alone.
It’s about that sense of entitlement one may have to unburden yourself onto another in the name of ‘self-expression’.

Screaming when you’re angry and directing this anger onto the other, for example.
Complaining about everything that isn’t going your way, instead of asking for what you want.
Judging somebody, because you feel entitled to give your opinion.
Voicing your needs over and over and over again, without considering the impact on the other.

Because, isn’t it good and healthy to release yourself? Isn’t this about freeing your voice, opening up your throat chakra, after so much conditioning and silencing? This is me empowering myself, don’t you get that?! Shouldn’t we be able to express every emotion fully, and ‘they’ will just have to be able to take it?

It’s a popular idea in psychology.
In the spiritual world too, by the way.  
The idea of expressing oneself.

However, what’s important here, is to not think individually only.

For YOU it might be like a catharsis.
It may help YOU to vent like that.
But… does it help ‘us’?

Does it help the relationship?
It doesn’t.

Unbridled self-expression is a destructive pattern that only unburdens you, but burdens the relationship as a result.

Chances are that you learned to use excessive self-expression early on.

Either because you copy the behavior of one of your parents. If you grew up in a family where there was a lot of anger and discussions, you were modelled this type of behavior.

Or because you were never listened to, neglected, abandoned, and you deeply desire to be heard. Please hear me!!

I get it.

Yet… the wall of words and more importantly, the energy behind them, make it very hard for people to really listen.

Being on the receiving end of the unbridled self-expression is like being shot at verbally. It's a lot to take in. It makes it really hard for your loves ones to connect with you.​

If you want to be heard, dear reader...

If more loving, intimate and mature relationships are what you long for – romantic or otherwise – I would recommend a different way.

How?

Become fierce in advocating for what you want, yet doing that in a concise and loving way, that also shows that you see and value the other. 

So instead of complaining about what you’re not getting, you express what you dó want by making requests.

And if you need to vent?

You ask for consent before you do this. Once you have their ‘yes’, you set a time, so that there’s a clear ending to this. It’s a lot to receive somebody’s venting if it’s about yourself.

Sometimes it may even be wise to ask for a good friend or family member to listen to you instead of the person you may have some issues with, as they’re less involved and have more capacity to hold you in this.

In the work I do with couples, we go back to where the pattern started so we can transform it, AND I teach you the exact words and sentences to use to express yourself in a constructive way.

Relationality is a skill, remember?

(Credit: This concept of the 5 losing strategies, of which this is the fourth, comes from Relational Life Therapy ® by Terry Real.)