Losing strategy 5: Retaliation - You hurt me, I hurt you.

I remember years ago, in my early twenties, when my heart turned so bitter, that I took on an attitude of: what you do to me, I will do to you… but twice as harsh.

You hurt me? Watch me hurt you.

So, when a lover hurt me back in the days, I created a fake dating profile for him on a gay dating site, added his phone number and chuckled when he panicked after receiving tons of phone calls. He asked me if I had any idea how this happened. I kept my mouth shut.

Obviously, it was taken down in a day, and my IP address was blocked to go to that site for a while.

It was rather funny for me at the time. A prank. But the energy behind it, was hurt.

Now, looking back, I cry for my younger self and how I allowed my heart to turn to stone. And how grateful I now am that my heart is soft again.

Retaliation ain’t pretty, I can assure you.

I’ve watched all seasons of Sons of Anarchy three times and saw how this attitude of retaliation killed every good intention Jax had of turning the motorcycle club around and stopping all the murdering.

Retaliation kills.

Retaliation in a relationship shows itself through punishment.

You may have gotten hurt by your beloved, and because of that deep pain, you may unconsciously try to punish your partner in return.

Usually, that shows up in a subtle way. It’s not just tits for tats; it’s not that you do the exact same thing unto them.

It’s there in the small interactions.

You become snappish with your comments that reveal snippets of blame.
Or you withhold love from them.
You throw them a sharp look.
Throughout the day, you’re punishing the other (often partners) for the pain they’ve caused you.

Meanwhile, you keep yourself in the victim position of the one it’s been done to.

And… that victim position keeps you shackled.

The energy of retaliation is like poison, really. For your relationship, and for your own heart.

It shows that there’s unresolved hurt still there in your system. It tells you something may want to be felt, grieved, healed.

You might feel so powerless and hopeless because of that pain, but because you don’t know how to process it, you are catapulting it back to the other.

My question for you, dear reader...

Where did you learn that you needed to push away your pain? Who wasn’t there for you to process your emotions, so you learned to disregard them?

Have you ever been truly available for yourself, so that there’s space for the emotions and pain to be felt?

That I what I would wish for you… for your pain to be seen, so that you wouldn’t feel like you needed to retaliate.

I am so sorry that you got hurt. More than once.

See if you can make space for that pain; your heart deserves to be felt and healed.

I’m there for you if you want some guidance in this.

(Credit: This concept of the 5 losing strategies, of which this is the fourth, comes from Relational Life Therapy ® by Terry Real.)