Love addiction: Why it's so hard to leave abusive relationships

One of the most painful experiences is seeing somebody you love going through pain… and not being able to do anything about it. Agree?

Sometimes it really hurts me.

Especially when it comes my friends’ love life. Especially when I see them diving into the same ol’ dysfunctional pattern.

Sure, I confront, I reflect, I don’t hold back. And visa versa. We lovingly welcome each other’s feedback.

But when they still keep doing what they’re doing, I can only back away and let them and be there for them when the same nasty shit happens all over again.

Repeating the Pattern

“Apparently I still have something to learn in this relationship,” she said.

She’s my best friend. I know her through and through and I love her só much.

For many years, I’ve seen her attracting boys - not men - while she keeps seeing the potential in them, hoping their boyishness will lead to maturity.

Their immaturity (and hers!) always stops them from truly choosing her. They’re never fully ‘in’, they neglect her, love her but don’t know how to relate.

Until she met her current guy. Love bombing her within two weeks, giving her everything she missed in her former lovers. She’d never have to be alone again, he’d always be there for her!

She melted.

The price, however? High. Because at the same time, his own trauma of severe abuse, physically, mentally and emotionally, leads to controlling and abusive behavior on his part.

Bit by bit I see her crumbling down, not allowed to say even one word about her past experiences that include another man (his ego can’t handle it), being commented on her clothing, getting stonewalled for unapparent reasons and leaving her feel puzzled about what she did this time, wanting more oral sex without ever, even once, giving it to her in return. He wants her to submit, so he doesn't have to.

He disappears for days, making her feel like the scum of the earth, unworthy of his attention. “If this is what you’re like, I want nothing of it,” he said many times with disdain. Superiority in its purest form – as his dad taught him unconsciously.

She broke up with him several times, because she was losing herself and it was literally influencing her spiritual development negatively.

She went back over and over and over.

“I feel I still have something to learn.”

WHY does she stay?!!

Obviously, the very thing she needs to learn is the thing she’s not doing.

To say no.

No to the abuse.
No to her own inner child running the show.
No to her own inability to give herself what they so desperately longs to get from him.

And to step up into maturity. To say yes to herself.

Why doesn’t she?
Why don’t so many?

Beause she’s addicted and he’s her dealer.

The more pain he causes, the happier she gets when he holds her in his arms again when things are okay.

Love addict. Point blank.

From an overload of cortisol (stress hormone) to a huge shot of dopamine – her reward for enduring the abuse. Endorphines, oxytocin… it’s all happy hormones then.

He might as well give her a shot of heroin.

The whole nervous system is in such state of activation that all it wants is to feel calm and safe, and so there he is, to love bomb her all over.

“There’s also so much connection…
And I’ve never felt this way.”

Falling into the Trap

Which unfortunately is a trap many people fall into. Connection, love, is one element, but not enough for a healthy relationship.

I understand the challenge. I do.

Hellooooo, I'm Michelle and I'm an addict! In recovery.

I know exactly what it’s like. I’ve had my share of patterns repeating themselves in my romantic life.

Men would fall madly in love yet wouldn’t fully choose me.
Married, polyamourous men did in fact choose me, however, always in the second position.

But I felt the love, and that’s what we all want, right? To feel loved?
It’s so human!

The common denominator in all situations, however, was me.

As long as I wasn’t fully choosing what I wanted, why would these men?

My eyes opened when poly guy 3 entered the scene, and he wanted to introduce me to his woman before we’d continue our romantic endeavor, I saw my pattern crystal clear and decided: no.

I ended it all – which wasn’t easy, as I truly loved the men and felt deeply connected.

I stepped out of the pattern of accepting a second place, I opened up a space for one man to stand beside me.

I gave myself what I so deeply desired: I prioritized me.

Two months later the deal was done. I met my man, he chose me, I chose him, and we keep choosing each other every day.

The lesson:

Here’s what I’ve learned…

As long as you keep doing what you’ve always done, you will keep getting what you always got.

What you invest your time and energy in, is what you’ll receive back.

Cliché but true.

Like I fed my position of being second (the position my own inner child thought it deserved), I kept not being prioritized.

As long you keep allowing your own inner child running your romantic life, you will keep attracting immature people.

Because dear, sweet one...

There’s just one lesson you can learn from dysfunctional relationships:

To give yourself the very thing you’re hoping to receive, yet never will as long as you’re in the pattern.

What is your addictive pattern you keep repeating?

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