The crap narrative of: Men verus Women in Relationships

Sometimes it can feel like my partner and I come from entirely different worlds.

A world that has a completely different perspective, reality, habit or way of dealing with things.

I can see it on my partner’s face when I explain how my brain interpreted something he said or did, and his face is nothing but a question mark. “Eh?!! You heard thát?”

If you’re in a heterosexual relationship (or dating), it can become tempting to blame misunderstandings on the differences between men and women.

I come across many social media posts daily that share so-called must-knows around what men are like versus what women are like. What they want. Need. Crave.

General, stereotypical statements that attract attention, but lack nuance.

For example…

 “Women test men to see if they have a backbone.”

“Men want to be respected and appreciated. Women want to be loved.”

“Women want to lean on their men.”

“Women need to let go of control if they truly want a strong man.”

“Men want their woman to surrender more.”

Yadayadayada.

It feels a little old to me.
Uninspiring.
Very black and white. Boxed.

So, sure I get it. For heterosexual couples, reading up on men versus women can soothe when you feel like your partner acts like an alien in your view.

Same parts, organized differently

Fact is: men and women are different. (So are my sister and I, by the way). 

Equal in value, but different in certain aspects.

Biologically speaking, women have a slightly smaller brain, with a thicker corpus callosum, which allows them to connect the left part of their brain to the right part more easily. It’s why they say female-bodies humans are often better at relating.

And yes, hormonally speaking, we operate differently. Also, there are differences in muscle density, bone structure, and well, quite obviously, the reproductive system looks differently (although initially they start developing the same). Same parts, organized differently as Emily Nagoski likes to say in her book ‘Come as you Are’.

So, I’m not denying difference.

In fact, it’s paramount to give voice to what it truly means to be a man. Or to be a woman. Outside of societal norms influenced by institutional patriarchy.

Transcend the narrative

What I’d like to invite you in on here, in this piece of writing, is to transcend the man versus woman narrative. Because let’s not forget that the differences within a gender are a lot bigger than the differences between genders (or minority groups ets).

I wonder when it comes to relating to another human…

…isn’t it lot more helpful to see how alike we can be, through our uniqueness? To not see a gender, but a human being?

Because with all the talk about men versus women, the differences are sometimes overemphasized, thus creating more misunderstanding or even making assumptions that aren’t true for this specific individual.

You are a dude, so you must want your freedom more than anything.

You’re a woman, so you want closeness, safety and intimacy above all.

No.

You are your own individual being, with your own history, nervous system imprints, developmental trauma even, your own unique experiences, and they have all shaped you.

Which means that you might identify as a woman, ánd have a large need for freedom and cave time.

Or you may identify as a cis-gendered man, ánd want more closeness.

You might be a man who may want to lean on their woman. And visa versa!

Because you are HUMAN.

And humans have a need for safety, yet also adventure. We all want to grow and expand, while also contribute to the greater good. We all have a desire to be seen and acknowledged for their individual self, whilst also having a longing to belong, be connected, supported and be loved.

We all want this.
It’s how we’re all wired.
We are relational beings.

• Sometimes with a slightly bigger need for personal space, because we’ve been intruded on in the past too many times.
• Or we’ve been left to fend for ourselves, which now means we’re so hungry for love and connection, we crave to be close.
• Perhaps we’ve been overfed with criticism by our partner, which leaves us hungry for respect and appreciation more than usual.
• Maybe we’ve become so estranged, not knowing how to find each other, which means the biggest longing we have, is to feel connected and loved.

Our wants, needs, habits and patterns are based on our unique history and (temporary) circumstances, more than our gender.

Try to see your spouse, friend, date or coworker as an individual, with their individual needs, longings, desires, wants, and instruction manual. Get to know them, be curious.  Be okay with the fact you may not understand everything about them – you don’t have to!

Yet, you can try. Your best source of information is sitting next to you.

Stop making assumptions based on cliché generalizations; they may stand in the way of truly seeing who’s in front of you.