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If you got a little confused with the terminology in the previous article on the two magic words in my relationship, let me say: I understand.
That’s why in this article, I’m focusing on the three different forms of distance taking: two that we want to prevent from happening, one that we like!
First let me say: wanting some distance in your – ANY – relationship is NORMAL. It’s healthy to want to be in your own space. To feel yourself without interference of another person’s vibe.
If you’re the one ‘left’ behind, it can sometimes feel stingy, but hey… you get to then spend time with yourself too! Which can be a gift in many ways.
Giving somebody space is a lot easier for the person who doesn’t necessarily want or need it when there’s been communication about it. When it’s initiated consciously by your mature self.
Unfortunately, that’s not always the case ;).
And it takes courage to recognize and admit when you might be taking distance, while being driven by the Adaptive Child / saboteur / ego / immature part / whatever you wanna call it.
2 non-relational forms of distance-taking
So let’s now take a look at the two ways of distance taking that may feel good in the moment (because you feel entitled to it, don't know how else to, etc), but really aren’t very relational.
Withdrawal being the first.
Withdrawing (flight mode) into yourself is a protective reaction of the nervous system in response to perceived danger.
People who withdraw either have learned this from their caregivers (they’re copycats!) and simply don’t know how to react otherwise.
Or they have experienced such a level of intrusion in their past, that they learned to shield themselves.
In either case, it’s a survival mechanism. An immature part is running the show (although that part will never admit it being immature).
Withdrawal is a way of creating distance, aka, safety.
It’s unconsensual, it’s a form of taking without talking.
The second form of distance taking is lashing out (fight mode) by sabotaging the situation in such a way that your behavior pushes people away. Instead of taking yourself out of the situation (like with withdrawal), you push them out.
Think: verbal abuse, screaming, passive aggressive behavior, blaming and projecting your own stuff onto another, criticizing, making snappy comments, lying, secretive behavior.
Obviously, although these two forms (flight & fight) both clearly demonstrate deep pain and a yearning for safety, which we can all feel compassion for and which we may also recognize ourselves, neither of these are very constructive.
So, what’s the third option?
How to take space in a relational way
The mature equivalent of withdrawal and lashing out is responsible distance taking, as my mentor Terry Real would call it.
Which means: you express that you need some space, without unconsensually taking it and/or without becoming nasty, and you communicate clearly when you'll reach out again.
There's a step-by-step system to doing this and it's one of the most important tools I teach my clients. I teach them exactly, word for word, how to communicate that they need distance in a responsible way, and how to protect the relationship while they do it.
Because yes: this is a skill. And it consists of several important steps.
The purpose is to recenter yourself through distance taking in a way that doesn't cause distress in others.
Let me repeat: wanting some distance is normal!!
And healthy.
For all humans.
And it’s part of any relationship – romantic or otherwise.
You are 100% normal if you love your alone time, time without your beloved, even your kids.
The question is… are you willing to do this in a way that will strengthen your relationship, through mutual empowerment?
Much love,
Michelle
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