Relationships: Need some distance? Here’s what’s important!
Love addiction: why it’s so hard to step out of abusive relationships
Relationship conflict: how to co-regulate and get out of Fight Land
Whenever I come across a couple that’s been in Fight Land for too long, there’s one thing I almost always recommend as a side practice at home: stop trying to get to each other through words, allow the bodies to speak.
What do I mean by that?
What do I mean by that?
I don't mean to say: jump in the sack and have sex. Nope. That works for very few people. I approach this a little more gentle. Let me take you through this.
Let’s say you’ve been going through a rough patch with your beloved and you seem to be agitated with each other a lot.There have been many discussions, mostly all about the same topic, sometimes perhaps even about too little things that – quite frankly – don’t matter, but by now you fight because you fight.
Nothing you do seems to work.
You can’t seem to get through to your partner.
They can’t seem to get through to you.
And both of your nervous systems have been activated, in fight & flight mode, for too long, which has been giving you non-stop stress in a space that should feel safe.
Home might not be as fun anymore.
And so, you try to repair things by expressing your dismay and discussing even more. It’s like a vicious cycle.
It's not about being right...
Newsflash: discussions will never get you where you want to be ;-).
Why? Because it’s not about getting your way.
And it’s also not about who is right.
Staying in the same old dynamic of wanting to be right will get you this: two people on opposite sides presenting their case to the judge.
The problem is that there’s no judge present to decide who’s right or wrong.
More importantly, your points of view are subjective. Always.
In a relationship there’s no space for objectivity. It’s just not possible with two flawed humans with their own lenses and history!!
Righteousness and trying to persuade your partner is like a fait accompli: you already know the outcome, you’ve been stuck in the same outcome for months.
Which means that if you choose to stay put in Fight Land, where you hope that you will finally get through to your partner through words, fights, raised voices, intense gestures, you’re going to find yourself stuck.
Especially if your partner does the same.
Why? Because it’s not about getting your way.
And it’s also not about who is right.
Staying in the same old dynamic of wanting to be right will get you this: two people on opposite sides presenting their case to the judge.
The problem is that there’s no judge present to decide who’s right or wrong.
More importantly, your points of view are subjective. Always.
In a relationship there’s no space for objectivity. It’s just not possible with two flawed humans with their own lenses and history!!
Righteousness and trying to persuade your partner is like a fait accompli: you already know the outcome, you’ve been stuck in the same outcome for months.
Which means that if you choose to stay put in Fight Land, where you hope that you will finally get through to your partner through words, fights, raised voices, intense gestures, you’re going to find yourself stuck.
Especially if your partner does the same.
Calming the nervous systems
Somebody needs to make a different move out of Fight Land.
One of the ways is to learn to have an entirely different conversation, by adopting an entirely different attitude to your relationship.
In fact, that’s a huge part of the work I do with my clients in a regulated, safe environment, with my guidance.
Still… sometimes the nervous system is só activated that it becomes very hard to have a helpful conversation between the two of you.
It happens in my practice too, that one or both partners get so dys-regulated, that my first and only priority is to get the nervous system to calm down.
I work with specific tools and practices for individuals and couples to co-regulate.
That’s where the body holds the key, because:
One of the ways is to learn to have an entirely different conversation, by adopting an entirely different attitude to your relationship.
In fact, that’s a huge part of the work I do with my clients in a regulated, safe environment, with my guidance.
Still… sometimes the nervous system is só activated that it becomes very hard to have a helpful conversation between the two of you.
It happens in my practice too, that one or both partners get so dys-regulated, that my first and only priority is to get the nervous system to calm down.
I work with specific tools and practices for individuals and couples to co-regulate.
That’s where the body holds the key, because:
You can’t talk your way through regulation.
Not if words got you into dys-regulation in the first place.
🔸You breathe your way through regulation, potentially by breathing together.
🔸Or you cry to let go of toxins, while your partner sits with you, hold your hand or your body.
🔸Perhaps you move or shake your body, releasing some sound.
🔸Or you cuddle for at least 10 minutes, allowing you both to relax and soften up a bit.
You talk again when you're both regulated, stable and open to have a mature conversation (not a fight) during which you can both hear each other.
Remember that your partner is somebody you love.
You are on the same team!
Instead of going into more talks, discussions and such, I recommend you give yourself some breathing space by dropping all the difficult conversations and fights.
Don’t try to fix anything yet.
Focus on connecting and finding common ground again.
Let the body be nurtured in an embrace.
Love,
Michelle 🧡
Can I support you on your journey? Let's have a chat and see how!
EN 
NL