Relationship skills: two magic words I learned that helped me in my relationship

“Time and attention, Michelle. Time and attention.”

I can still hear him preach to me while I concentrated on my deadlifts, hips thrusts and core exercises. One thing my former PT installed in my brain, is that my high-energy self needs to take time and be fully there with my attention.

These two (technically 3) words are like a mantra to me now.

And recently I heard myself use them in a completely different context: when talking about my relationship lovingly.

Light bulb moment.

Let's get a little personal...

... by explaining why I’m sharing this with you and how it’s relevant to any relationship – especially new ones.

My partner and I have a beautiful relationship. And… we have our challenges.

It’s not perfect.

Like any couple, when we got together, we brought along our history, our nervous systems, our childhood traumas, our relational traumas, our attachment styles, our quirks, our preferences…

… so naturally that is going to present challenges.

(Something I’ve written about extensively in the past).

The first 6 months were effortless.
We built trust, we enjoyed being in love, we reveled in the ease of us.

Then, slowly, the first cracks started showing.

It wasn’t our interaction that presented the challenges; it was because of circumstances outside of us that either of us could get overwhelmed, each in our own way, and with our own response to it.

He would withdraw, without clearly communicating that he needed some space. Without giving me much reassurance.

I would feel confused, scared and not knowing what to do, because I didn’t know what the sudden coldness was about, and because I didn't know the dude that well yet.

I would never chase him. I'd let things unfold, meanwhile feeling on high alert, and longing to be included more, to understand. Yet because of my own history, it took me days to speak up with loving firmness, to stop being ‘the cool girl’ and express my insecurity in a heartfelt message.

He would actually receive me quite well (which was healing in itself), but it sometimes took days to really reconnect with his heart and ability to let the world – me – in again.

I would then welcome him with open arms (which was healing for him), because I remembered his words from before: I sometimes need time alone; I’ll come back a better man.

We handled it relatively well, without ugliness.

Still, it was nót easy for me.

I só longed for us to find a way that works for us both. Withóut withdrawal, wíth communication. I wanted both of our needs to be included.

I could envision him saying: “Honey, I’m feeling some overwhelm. I’d love some alone time this upcoming weekend. I’ll be back on Sunday.”

And I’d reply: “Sure honey, thanks for taking care of yourself. Could you send me a good night kiss in the evening? That’s all that I want, which makes it easy for me to give you what you want.”

I’d see us working as a team.

We’d both bring ourselves in – our wants, our requests – and we’d empower each other to make that happen for one another. We both would feel met, seen and at peace.

But while we weren’t there yet, I’d often feel left out. Alone. Scared even.

Feeling him withdraw as he could, would bring up my own stuff to look at.

And I did. Thank goodness, so did he.

“Time,” he said. “It takes time to get to that place of being a team and heal from our past.”

But I knew it was more than that.

It’s also what we did with that time: what we paid attention to. How we devoted ourselves to the time, how willing we’d be.

And so, time ánd attention helped us to take ownership of our own hurts and fears, while sharing them with each other without projections or blame.

Time and attention allowed us to put into practice the skills of negotiation, responsible distance taking (him), and being even more accurate in what I wanted (me).

Time and attention brought us to more and more to ease and peace, knowing each other better and better, understanding each other’s quirks and knowing how to be with them.

Now, it’s happened.

We’ve moved from withdrawal to responsible distance taking with attention to my needs and wants too.

Why would I want you to know this?

Because relationships aren’t perfect.
They’re not supposed to be easy all the time.
There’s connection, rupture and repair.

And while you get to know each other more and more, learn to understand each other, you can strengthen your base together by learning the skills that are needed to have a mature relationship.

Which takes time. And attention. After two, even twenty years.