Relationships: Is it a Box, a Boat or a home Base?

I had no idea we were so misaligned. Or at least it appeared that way.

How could he?

How could he pull the plug on the most beautiful relationship we both had ever had?

I couldn’t wrap my head around it.

I was sitting at a little table, on my front porch of my guesthouse in Bali, while considering the weird situation I was in, feeling empty and angry at the same time.

A few weeks before that, my partner impulsively broke up with me. It was short-lived ;-). We got back together when he realized what an idiot he’d been and how he allowed his own internal chaos to influence the ‘we’. Ha.

But then, sitting on that porch in Bali, it made me think of how differently we may sometimes look at what a relationship represents. Not just me and my partner, but people in general.

I came up with three analogies, perspectives if you will, that perhaps may inspire you to look at your own perspective of relationships.

1: The Box

There’s the first perspective that sees relationships like a box: a compartmentalized element of life, like a piece of the pie. Is life too much? You simply look at all the boxes and whatever takes up too much energy, you simply store away on the storage. Often, the relationship is sacrificed first. As if you switch a light on and off again. This is the type of relationship that never really gets committed to. There’s a coming and going without a foundation.

2: The Boat

Then, there’s the second perspective. This is when you consider a relationship to be like a boat. It’s a vehicle that gets you from a to b. A vessel for growth. An opportunity to look at your own patterns and trauma and heal that. This doesn’t always mean long term. It can be, but the mindset is not focused on that particular end point. We stay together as long as we want to, and when we’re done, we move on. This type asks for deep awareness of how the relationship is serving you or not.

3: The Basis

The third perspective builds onto the previous two: the relationship as a basis. These are people that devote themselves to the relationship being the home that you both live in. This is about committing to life partnership, while including the longing for healing and growth – individually and as a couple. It’s like a resting place that also allows you to go out and be on your own for a bit, like perspective 1. There’s a basic understanding that you are both in, even if you’d take some distance. There’s a basis you can rely on. And yes, there’s always a chance that people break up, but the intention here is to work as a team and get stronger. This type is an integration of the former two.

Is one of these perspetives better than the other? I don’t know. I think it depends on where you are in your life and what you want for yourself.

As for my relationship, it was my partner’s overwhelm that got in the way and made him move back to type 1 relating: away with the relationship, back into the archive!

By now, we’ve established a new way: we’ve built on our foundation. This includes an equal commitment to growth of our individual selves, as well as the ‘we’. If anyone of us needs some distance, that’s a-okay. We’re slowly building our type 3 relationship. The intention is life partnership.

So, dear reader, have you ever consciously considered what you want your relationship to look like from now on?

What the purpose of a romantic relationship would be for you?

Do you consider it to be a box – like work, sports or hobbies that you can do or not do?

Or is it like a boat, taking you from port a to be, allowing you to move further in life?

Or are you at the point where you’d like a romantic relationship to be like your home base, where you meet your mate, lover, partner and find peace?

What are you invoking?
What are you creating?

Perhaps this email resonates, perhaps it doesn’t.

I simply invite you to consider the options and find out if you’re on the same page with your partner / date / YOURSELF.