Relationships: This will make you lose...

You will not win if you do this.

You will not get closer to your beloved.

You will not receive the love we all desire deep down.

You will not become more connected.

And in the end, you’re actually harming yourself even though it may feel like you’re keeping yourself safe.

I’m talking about losing strategies.

The ‘super smart then’ but ‘non-helpful now’ strategies that you have developed over the years so that you could survive whatever you needed to survive. 

From big, intense, ongoing traumatic situations such as abuse and violence to continuous situation that may have seemed small, but hurt you on the long run.

Even if you’ve received all the practical care from your parents, that doesn’t mean you received enough emotional care.

In Relational Life Therapy ® we distinguish 5 losing strategies. Let’s go over them. I invite you to be curious and honest about which ones you’ve adopted over the years.

In the upcoming weeks we will dive deeper into each of them.

1: Wanting to be right

This losing strategy will keep you in endless discussions, because above all, you desire to be heard. Instead of truly listening and being curious, your nervous system feels so unsafe, that it will want to make a point. Like you’re in a court arguing your case. It’s a defense mechanism that stems from a fear of not being seen or understood, so you become louder with your arguments, hoping that they will change their perspective.

The position you take on is not next to, but opposite of your partner. The result? You push them away. Even if you may ‘be right’.

(This is one of my not-so-helpful strategies when I show my ugly side ;-) ).

2: Control

Letting go and trusting is one of your biggest challenges if this is your strategy. Instead, you give and give and give, taking on more than you can carry, feeling alone, and not asking for help. You may (micro)manage every situation and allow only for little space for others to do things their own way. You deeply desire for some relief, because you feel like you need to carry it all. But you’re extremely afraid that things will fall apart if you’re not on top of it.

Your position is to hover over everyone like an eagle, making them feel suffocated, incapable or not trusted. You take away their opportunity to grow.

3: Withdrawal

Over the years, you’ve learned that the only way to be safe is to put up your walls and not let people in. Either because you were alone a lot and haven’t really learned how to be vulnerable and relate, or because you were intruded upon a lot and literally needed to protect yourself from them crossing boundaries. This strategy often comes with love avoidance, but truly stems from an abandonment wound. Intimacy may feel super scary, you may convince yourself you ‘can’t’ or don’t want to, but like all human beings, we all deeply desire to love and be loved.

 
Your position is behind the wall, not letting people close. Chances are you’re hurting yourself even more this way, reaffirming old beliefs.

4: Unbridled self-expression

Please hear me, please hear me! That’s what’s behind this strategy. And so, you use many – M A N Y – words to express yourself. This is in fact a defense mechanism to keep people at bay. Instead of withdrawing, you either build a wall of words that hide what you’re truly feeling, or you overwhelm the other with an overflow of emotions / thoughts / inner experiences that become very hard for them to receive.

Your position is that of somebody verbally throwing up over the other, deeply hoping to be taken seriously, but actually missing the point.

5: Retaliation

Whatever you do to me, I can do better. That’s the mindset behind this strategy. You want to get back at the one who hurt you. You feel deeply hurt, so justify the fact that you’re punishing them for their behavior instead of talking about it vulnerably and asking for what you want. This sense of entitlement can show up through passive aggressiveness, snappy comments, holding back love or making destructive choices. There’s deep pain behind this, and yet… it’s important to hold yourself accountable for any behavior you display: love ánd limit that part of you.

You put yourself above others; you deserve your reactive retaliation. You’re entitled to it. This grandiosity, however, impairs your judgement and empathy. It’s time for a new way.

Please know there’s a deep intelligence to these strategies. They literally kept you safe.

However, adaptive then is maladaptive now.

Which ones do you recognize within yourself?

Next week we dive into ‘wanting to be right’!