Relationships: “We’re so good together, but we’re not lovers anymore”

They’re the perfect team.
They used to work together as colleagues and so setting up a business together was easy.
They run their household with three kids like a team of agile pros.
They only need half a word to understand each other’s minds.

Their whole life is like running a business.

It’s definitely not a boring business. But the bedroom is.

It’s as if the juice that nurtures them to thrive in daily life, has dried up as soon as they’re just with each other, one on one.

They often wonder: how can it be that we’re so good together as parents, business partners, family members, but we struggle so much to stay lovers?

Ever wondered the same?

I call it the partner-lover paradox.
We want the closeness of a partnership, but also the excitement that comes with lovers.

Closeness is great, until...

The thing is… the more we grow into partnership, the more familiar we become. There’s a knowing. A proximity that comes with building a life together. A safety that tells you: I don’t have to worry, we’re in this together.

When you’re in each other’s proximity a lot, though, it becomes harder and harder to really see each other.

Humor me for a moment and hold your hand like one inch away from your face.

What do you see?

I bet you see the color of your skin, but because your hand is só close, you can’t even notice all the details and its shape.

It’s no different when you’re living together with a spouse: because you see each other every day, you maybe don’t ‘see’ each other anymore.

On top of that, managing a business called ‘a family’ is quite exhausting! Kids that need to be brought and picked up from school, playdates, sports, swimming class, on top of each of you having a job and a social life… it can literally eat away your energy.

At the end of the day? You’re both just glad you made it to the end again. We did it. Hooray. Now, can we please sleep?

There are so many reasons why the every-day life can work like a charm but won’t keep the bed very warm.

Now let me say this: this is not about sex.

Whether you’re both still sexually satisfied or not, is not the main question.

The question here is: how connected are you from one person to another?

Can you still find that meeting point, as lovers – which is much more about eroticism than it is about sex.

The intimacy of the family is there: you share parenthood, you share running the household together, you make it work.

But the erotic intimacy that requires you to meet as humans, asks for you to become individuals again.

You can’t meet each other, if you’re still entangled as one.

Eroticism asks for some distance, novelty, mystery. Just enough to ask yourself… I wonder what my beloved is doing now?

So, let me ask you.

How much time do you spend on your own, so you can feel yourself again?

And how much time do you create to step into the role as lovers, rather than parents or partners?

How do you create a moment to transition into this?

It’s time to prioritize being lovers again.

I’m curious what you’re running into when I write this to you. If you’d like to share, please do so.