Relationships: What you may not understand about the Love Avoidant… {part 1}

Imagine this: you’re feeling quite solid in your relationship, and all of a sudden they pull away. They need space.

It might be after spending more time together than usual, it might be after you opened up about your feelings, or perhaps simply because there’s something going on in their lives that has nothing to do with you.

If you are of have been in a relationship with a Love Avoider who pulls away regularly, you probably recognize this mechanism and you may have wondered many times: what’s happening? What have I done wrong? Am I too much?

The thing you need to understand is this is not about you.

I repeat: this is nót about you!

And it’s not about them not loving you. Because they do (which does not excuse their behavior).

*** Before I move on: this article is for you to understand what happens for them. It doesn’t take away the fact that you need to take responsibility for your own reaction and potential part of the dynamic. That’s for another time. ***

When a love avoider pulls away, this is not because of a personal vendetta to you; it’s because of an internal process within them.

Nervous system Overload

Here’s what happens.

Their nervous system gets flooded, which may not even be because of anything you do, but their brain picks up on something overwhelming. Intimacy = scary to them and creates overwhelm, and a sense of ‘losing themselves’, as if intimacy results in their own disappearance.

Sometimes because they never learned anything else but to move behind a wall. Even more often because in their past, they felt highly responsible for somebody at a very young age – a parent, a sibling – which did not leave any room for them to simply be a kid. Intrusion leads to feeling suffocated and a need to pull away.

In any case, they did not grow up with parents teaching them how to regulate and relate, nor how to set healthy boundaries, express their needs and engage in healthy contact. As is probably true for you and me.

The only way out in this moment of overwhelm and fear, is to run towards their own safe space with nobody to bother them. Yes, flight mode is activated. They feel unsafe (within themselves), and chances are their other coping mechanisms haven’t helped, so they pull away (or even break up).

Leaving you confused, tossed around like a marionette, and alone.

This is not a conscious choice, though; it’s their amygdala that’s taking over. They may have a whole story running in their minds why running is justified, but that’s because they’ve started to believe the state they’re in. The state of danger or life threat, even when there’s no tiger to eat them alive.

The Story of Scarcity

The biggest fear that they face?

The fear of Scarcity. This scarcity becomes a whole narrative in their minds and they actually believe that…

…there’s simply not enough:

Not enough space for them
Not enough freedom
Not enough time
And most of all… théy are not enough

Yes, dear reader. They actually believe they’re not good enough. The fear of failure is BIG in the Love Avoider.

No matter how much love, understanding and safety you give as a partner, this fear of not being good enough, not being deserving enough, may win.

You give them feedback? They may only hear criticism. (Which is why they thrive in environments where they’re seen as the hero and praised a lot).

They hear whatever they already believe about themselves to be true: they’re failing you, they’re not doing it right, they’re not good enough.

“But, does that mean this pattern will never end?!”
No.
The pattern cán be broken.

Why do I know this? Because not a single baby is born being a love avoidant. This is learned behavior and given the plasticity of our brain, we can learn new ways.

It does require a lot of inner work, though, and mostly with the help of a good therapist who does not simply empower them on an individual level, but on a relational level.

What the Love Avoider needs to learn most of all is:

To become aware of what happens within them, on a physiological, psychological, and emotional level
To self-regulate their emotions instead of act on them
To recognize the narrative of ‘not enough’ and shift it to worthiness
To set healthy boundaries and express their needs
To take distance responsibly, by communicating, giving a promise of return
To be accountable for their mistakes, without collapsing into a shame-cycle
To transform this shame into gratitude, so their energy is less focused on themselves, and more on the relationship

It’s not an easy nut to crack, but neither is any other pattern, including yours ;-). Humans are complex beings!

The question you want an answer to: is there a mutual willingness to look at yourselves and do the work together? Healing best happens within the relationship - íf you choose this. If that willingness is not there? It might be time to move on and find somebody who can give you the intimacy and safety you deserve. Remember: just because you understand the pattern, doesn’t mean you need to excuse unhealthy behavior.