Stop Trusting Your Feelings

Yup, I said it. You cannot trust your feelings. And in this article, I will explain why.

Know that moment? You're in the middle of a hard conversation — with a partner, a friend, yourself — and a wave of emotion crashes in. Suddenly you're defensive, or withdrawn, or saying things you don't mean. Later, in the quiet, you wonder: Why did I do that? That's not who I want to be.

Here's the truth: it isn't who you are. It's how you felt.

Another example. You’ve been struggling with a colleague for a while, feeling insecure and not knowing if this is the right place for you because of they’re criticism or judgement of your work. After months of heaviness piling up, you decide to quit. Better to be in a place where you’re appreciated! And yet... after your letter of resignation, you learn that your manager and other coworkers were very happy with you. The story you told yourself about not fitting in, was based on a feeling of inadequacy triggered by a mismatch with one coworker; it wasn’t the full scope.

Emotions are instant responses of your nervous system that fade quite quickly, feelings are then perpetuated because of the stories we believe to be true. “I’m not the right fit.” “My partner is always negative about us, perhaps we should break up.”

Both are real, neither are reliable guides. What’s more reliable? Your Core Values. Your emotions are reactive, while your core values are reflective. One is a weather report; the other is a compass.

Your Brain on Feelings 

The thing is that in situations of conflict, disease or any other form of discomfort — emotionally or physically — your nervous system shifts into a defensive state. You might feel this physically: your heart rate spikes, breath becomes more shallow, muscles tense. Your prefrontal cortex — the seat of empathy, reasoning, and long-term thinking — goes partially offline. In that state, you aren't choosing your behavior so much as reacting from it.

This isn't a character flaw. It's biology. But biology without awareness runs the show by default.

After the initial emotion subsides, the feelings of shame, guilt, inadequacy, fear or anger may remain and they are intensely convincing. They feel like truth. When you're flooded, the brain insists those feelings are facts.

The thing is: they’re not. They are merely data — useful signals, but poor decision-makers.

Values Don't Flinch

Core values are different in nature. They’re how we consciously decide what matters to us in essence. They are the answer to the question: What do I want to be remembered for? And it goes beyond being successful and a hard worker.

The beauty: core values don't fluctuate with your cortisol levels. They don't disappear when someone disappoints you, or when you're tired, or when the conversation gets hard. Values like compassion, honesty, fairness, and love exist in a deeper register — one that connects to your best self, the person you genuinely want to be when nobody is pressuring you. It’s who you choose to be, even when nobody is around.

When you act from feelings, you are often reacting to the past — old wounds, old fears, old stories. When you act from values, you are choosing your future self in real time.

This is not about suppressing anything; feelings deserve acknowledgment and curiosity. But there's a difference between feeling angry and letting anger steer. One is honesty; the other shows you’ve become a slave to the feelings.

A Simple Practice

The next time you feel emotionally activated, try pausing and asking: What do I value here? Not what do I feel — what do I value? Do I really want to be right about this or do I value the connection more? Do I actually want to win the argument or do I value kindness? Is it that important to me to be heard and seen right now, or do I value being somebody who is understanding?

That small question creates a window between stimulus and response — and in that window, you get to choose who you are.

This is a practice; like a muscle you train. Bit by bit it will get easier to gently bring your nervous system back online so your wisest self can show up. Your values are the anchor that makes that return possible.

Feelings will always ebb and flow. That's their nature, and there's beauty in that. But when you need to know who you are — when the relationship needs your best, or when you need your best — come home to your values. They've been steady all along.

Deeper truth

I will say this: there is a difference between:

1. feelings influenced by the state of your nervous system and
2. the feelings that represent the deep essence of what you know to be true.

How will you know the difference? The first is driven by protection and often comes with a state of contraction. It’s ‘against’ something. Against the hurt, the contempt, the rejection. It wants to move away from the pain. The second is a deeper intuitive knowing (conviction) that is driven by connection and comes from a state of expansion. It’s ‘for’ something. For connection, for healing, for contribution. It moves towards the future and is often a deeply spiritual practice to develop.

Knowing how to discern between the two, is the work we need to do. It includes getting to know yourself really well, and becoming super honest about where you may step out of integrity (which happens to us all!).