Losing strategy 1: Wanting to be right won't help

It’s the million dollar question that you may have heard many inspirators say: Do you want to be right or do you want to be loved?

Wanting to be right is a brilliant way to keep you in that same loop of arguing with your partner (or anyone else).

So, let me ask you… how has that been working for ya?

My guess is: it hasn’t.

(I know for me, that every time I fall into this trap, it definitely doesn’t help).

Wanting to be right is when you present every detail of your case as if you’re in the courtroom and are trying to win.

As if there’s an objective truth.
There isn’t ;-).

In every relationship there are only subjective realities. There is no room for objectivity.

YOU want to be heard.
YOU want them to be convinced.
YOU want them to understand where you are coming from.

It’s your reality. Yours. Your lense. Your perception of what’s going on. Your filter.

So why would you turn to this strategy?

Because deep down you’re afraid that your voice doesn’t matter, that you will be overlooked, that you don’t matter and that you may not be loved enough.

Oh, how painful it can be when you don’t see eye to eye with a loved one. Better try to fix it by stating your case, so maybe, just maybe, they will magically say: oh yes, you’re 100% right and I’m 100% wrong!

I só understand.

How excruciatingly frustrating you may feel when they’re stuck in their perspective and you think that you know better.

You may be right.
It could very well be that you see more than they do.

But the point is… it doesn’t matter.

First of all, because the more you keep trying to convince the other person that they’re wrong or not seeing it right, the more they’ll try to defend themselves and close off.

It just pushes them away and doesn’t bring any connection (which is what we all truly desire underneath). They won't feel heard, when all you want is your voice to fill the room. They won't feel taken seriously, if there's no curiosity about their viewpoint.

The real question then becomes…

What part of you feels so hurt and afraid, that you start lashing out like this?

Which part of you so desperately wants to be heard and understood, that it can no longer be curious about the other – no matter where they’re at?

At which age did you learn that it was more helpful to argue, discuss, bring up tons of reasons why your perspective is more accurate?

Who taught you to do this, did this to you or never showed you another way?

… (I’ll leave you to contemplate this on your own)

If this is one of your unhelpful strategies, remember that there’s an intelligence to it. It helped you to stand up for yourself when you felt that nobody else didn’t.

And yet, it now blocks true intimacy.

So what will help?

Try to listen.

Listen to understand them.
Listen to hear what they are voicing.
Leave out your judgements.
Just keep your mouth shut and hear them out.

This is really difficult, especially when you’re less resilient than usual (ask me how I know). When we’re low in energy, and we’ve been more stuck in survival for a period of time, our maladaptive strategies may take over even more.

But it really pays off to practice listening more, instead of wanting to be heard.

Chances are they will return the favor. Yet, don’t do it for that reason; do it for the integrity of your own heart. Because you want to model healthy relating.

It’s not important who’s right and who’s wrong.
Keep focusing on the common goal: connection and repair.

(Credit: This concept of the 5 losing strategies, of which this is the first, comes from Relational Life Therapy ® by Terry Real.)