What does a truly successful relationship look like? A reframe!

What do you believe successful relationships look like?

Is it staying together for the rest of your life?
Is it establishing the nuclear family?
Is it when you want to be with each other 24/7?
Is it a relationship without conflict?
Is it when things are easy and smooth?

We all have certain beliefs around relationships. Beliefs that may help us or not.

Society tells us that when you’ve been together for 30 years, that means you’re successful in relationships. And the person who seemingly can’t hold on to a relationship longer than a few years, sucks at them. Off and on again? Failure!

“We never fight!” seems to be an accomplishment and “things are just easy” are the epitome of health.

We glorify length of relationships and condemn the person who’s never been married. My aunt was with her first husband for 30 years. We had no idea this relationship was toxic and abusive until she finally had the guts to leave. Simon Sinek - world known inspirator on leadership – gets the label ‘failed’ for never having been in a romantic relationship for longer than 3 years, while having maintained lifelong friendships.

What are we missing here?

With this old perspective, we’re not looking at the person’s quality of connection to self and others. We’re also privileging romantic relationships over friendships.

The thing is, it’s not about staying or going, failing or succeeding. If there’s one thing I’ve learned about relationships, is that the extent to which you stay in relationship with yourself, is leading.

Even better, it's the extent to which you're committed to relational integrity.

Say what?

Relational integrity is an attitude around relationships, that is based on accountability, vulnerability, compassion and choosing ‘we’, yet is independent of what the other person does or doesn’t do.

It’s a choice that you make for yourself, that starts with the question: who do I want to be as a partner, friend, parent, coworker?

The only person who is responsible for this, is you. It means you stay on your own side of the fence.

• You work on yourself – to heal from past relationships and to break through childhood patterns of codependence, withdrawal, dominance, boundaryless behavior or control.
• You identify where your own fear of failure, commitment or abandonment is holding you back, and you clear the way for love.
• You commit yourself to growth in the relationship, even when your partner doesn’t or temporarily can’t.
• You keep returning to your heart, even when it’s incredibly hard and anger or resentment tends to pull you out of it.
• You increase your self-awareness of your own inner experience, learning to make decisions from a mature place, not allowing the child or rebellious teenager within to run the show.
• You keep expressing your wants and needs, even when you risk rejection.
• You set boundaries, even though the other may inadvertently cross them.
• You apologize for your part – even if your contribution to the rupture was only 10%.
• You show up.
  For you, for them, for love. You don’t wait for them.
• You choose win-win.
• You choose the path of relationality over individualism, thereby smashing the patriarchy that lives within each of us.

And you hold yourself accountable in every relationship! With siblings, friends, partners, etc.

This new perspective of what truly successful relationships look like, empower us to create a new narrative of our relationship history.

More importantly, it empowers you to always take responsibility over your contribution to the relationship. This is the best predictor of a good outcome.

Nope, committing to relationality is not easy.

Especially when we’ve been socialized to believe we need to prioritize ourselves, do self-development, be self-reliant. Everything in this world brings us to a path of self instead of together.

Choosing ‘we’ is for the brave.

That’s the paradox of it all: even though the magic happens when two (or more) people both commit to that path together and choose interdependence, it is essentially your own responsibility to begin this journey of relationality, independent of them.

I know that I’m committed to relationality. I live and breathe it, I fail and get back up, regardless of what people around me do or don’t. That’s how I define my success in all my relationships.

What are you invited to learn about relational integrity?