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If I'd ask you how passionate your relationship still is, what would you say?
Has the fire died out?
Are you operating on auto-pilot?
Or is the passion still highly present?
Fact is that só many couples of any gender are challenged when it comes to keeping the spark alive - also in the realm of conscious relating and spirituality. In the beginning of the relationship you think that 'the rut' will never happen to you.
Until it does.
Especially when you share a house.
Especially when there are kids.
Especially when you forget that in the beauty of 'us' there's still a 'you' versus 'me'.
You see, when you relate, there are (at least) 3 entities: you, them, the relationship. They all need nurturing. All.
What kills the spark is often the excessive focus on the entity of the relationship, the 'us'. We become so intertwined with our partner, that we forget to see ourselves and them as the individual we all are. The taking-for-granted slips in. They're there; it's a given.
Until this 'us' is slightly interrupted.
Have you noticed that your partner becomes só much more attractive when you haven't seen them for a while? Yes. Distance makes the heart grow fonder.
Or that you experience a new sense of desire as soon as it turns out they're hit on by somebody else?
There's literally an interruption of the safe, closed and predictable system. You're woken up from your sleep, all of a sudden realizing that the other is 'the other' and not an extended version of you.
Intimacy and desire
There are two contradictive forces at play here: intimacy and desire
Intimacy needs safety, security, commitment, proximity, sharing our deepest and darkest secrets, predictability, melting together, being one. The 'us'. This is ideally about healthy needing, not neediness.
Desire wants adventure, novelty, exploration, distance, individuality, variety, privacy, surprise, refreshment, the unknown mystery. The you versus me. This is about wanting, longing, craving.
We want both. We need both.
Stepping into the energy of desire
I'm a firm believer of the notion that a healthy relationship is built by two (potentially more) sovereign beings who dare to lean in and have each other's back. There's two individual paths and a shared one.
Your mind will probably be like: yeah, that makes sense. Or: I know this, fully agree.
But let me ask you... do you intentionally create situations so that you can keep seeing your partner's individuality and feel your own?
That doesn't mean that you constantly need to create physical distance (although that is very very healthy, and missing someone is a great experience), put on a sexy outfit or go on vacations to build in variety and adventure in your relationship.
Yes also. But in essence, this is about something deeper: the willingness and ability to step into the energy of desire in your every-day life.
To integrate, rather than separate the experiences.
To really see your beloved as the magnificent human they are, in all of their sexiness, even when they come home in ordinary clothes after work.
To keep noticing their individual magic, rather than getting annoyed with their stupid habits, and allowing that magic to entice you with a twinkle in your eyes and a stirring in your loins. Admiring them, without the pedestal.
To keep appreciating them for who they are, for how they serve others, for what they do for you, instead of focusing on what they're doing 'wrong' in your eyes.
Playing with distance and proximity in your own home is an art that nourishes you all: you, them ánd the relationship.
I'm curious how this lands for you...
If you need me, I'm always up for a 1-to-1 chat with you, so we can get into your questions specifically.
Much love,
Michelle
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