You can't trust your feelings!! #sorrynotsorry

Have people ever told you to trust what you feel? To simply follow your heart?

It sounds pretty deep.
Romantic.
Like the message of a biopic that brings us all to tears.

Yet, if you ask me, that’s the worst advice you can give somebody – especially when it comes to big life changing decisions, and even more because you don’t know how aware they are of how feelings work.

The thing is, dear reader... it’s só difficult to discern between emotions, states, feelings and actual wisdom.

Let me explain.
Ready for some nerdiness?

Emotions

Emotions are a very brief, instant response of our brain, that come up because the brain detects something in the environment and interprets it as danger or pleasurable. This is not a conscious process; our brain scans the environment 4-6 times per second, while working three times as hard to avoid pain than to gain pleasure.

This scanning happens alllll the time, without you being aware of it. Because this process is so incredibly quick, we do not call this perception, but neuroception. It happens at a neurological, unconscious level.

Our system instantly responds to a situation with for example fear, anger, guilt, joy or love. Emotions last only 90 seconds, but may throw us off balance for a moment. They can cause a shift in state; we potentially move from being regulated to disregulated.

States & Stories

When we get into a disregulated (or even euphoric) inner state, we may then perceive a situation differently. We think differently, we start giving meaning to situation (good or bad); we create subjective stories.

For example, when we’re in a state of anxiety (caused by the emotion ‘fear’), we may interpret a situation as very negatively. Our partner may become our enemy who ‘always’ or ‘never’ does X, Y or Z. Just so you know... this might not be the best moment to pack your suitcase.

When we’re in a state of euphoria (caused by the emotion ‘joy’ or ‘love’, for example when we just met somebody knew and think they’re our soul mate), we may feel like we can conquer the whole world. It’s a great feeling! The story may then become “I finally met the love of my life, this is it”, which could potentially be true, but might not be the best time to decide to get married and have a kid yet, given you haven’t truly been through life together ;-).

Feelings

The stories we come up with in a state increase the feelings that are there even more; they even justify that we’re in our right to feel this way.

Feelings are emotions that we’ve given meaning to. Good to remember is that we may feel different once we’re in a regulated state again.

I feel disgruntled, because they disrespected me way back when.
I feel bitter, because my partner fails to prioritize our family constantly.
I feel sad, because I am not appreciated enough by my friends.
I feel so loved, because I finally found somebody who’s not like the other douchebags.

Everything after ‘because’ is a story you tell yourself that may feel true in the moment, that’s for sure. But it’s a subjective truth.

Feelings can last a lot longer than our actual emotional response, because we feed them with thoughts. If you’re in a disregulated state, it’s super difficult to see beyond these feelings and recognize them for what they are: part of the experience.

These feelings are super valid. And amazing, even in their painful form. Life gets its colors from all these different experiences.

This article is not about bypassing a-ny-thing. What I am saying, is that these feelings are there to be felt, not necessarily to be acted upon with a huge decision.

Feel the Feels First... than act

First you WAIT. Contain yourself before diving in head first.
Choose FFF: Feel the Feels First.
Whether it’s anger, fear, euphoria, guilt, sadness, etc, just be aware of the state you’re in, as ‘state creates story'.

Find a way to calm down and ground yourself, or even better, find somebody to be there with you, to get back to yourself and perhaps offer some reflections.

Take a deep breath.

Possibly, you may want to communicate what’s happening inside, whether it’s to seek repair so the experience can shift, or to simply be able to express yourself and be heard.

Remember that the best decisions are made when your nervous system is calm again, in a regulated state. That’s wisdom. When you feel connected and have moved through the waves of emotions, felt all there is to be felt. Those decisions then come with a sense of peace. (Which takes years of practice).

And as for your heart? Your heart doesn’t want to lead and be followed; it wants to be included and acknowledged.