Relationships & Communication: This tastes só much better...

They say you catch more flies with honey than with vinegar. In other words: kindness takes you further than complaint.
 
We all know this.
We all will nod our heads agreeingly when somebody points it out.
We preach kindness this, loving harmony that.
 
(Except that many then go on social media and digitally kill some stranger’s self-esteem with unkind, judgy, shaming comments that hold no validity or justification… but that’s a topic for another time)
 
Then why does it seem that we can forget about this very simple fact when it comes to the person who’s the closest to us? Or the people closest to us?

Kindness is easy when...

For some reason, it sometimes seems easier to stay kind and compassionate to people who’re a little less close to us.
 
Friends, coworkers, somebody you just met and vibe well with.
 
After all, you don’t have to be around them and their behavior the whole time; it’s easy to simply take a break from them. When they talk about their misery, you may find it so much easier to empathize and understand their point of view.
 
Heck, you might even be able to empathize with the people they’re complaining about, and – wise as you are – you might be able to give your audience a different perspective. Because, well, you’re not personally involved and you have a big heart. For your friend, and perhaps even their object of complaint.
 
But when it comes to – let’s say – your partner, let me ask you… can you give them the same curtosy?
 
Be honest now… ;-)
 

... Until it affects YOU

I’m asking because everyone in long-term relationships may want to symbolically yet violently behead their beloved every now and then.
 
Isn’t it true that when we’re emotionally involved on a daily basis with somebody, how they behave affects us more and more? Especially the nasty bits?
 
Yep. And with that comes more and more annoyance. In the beginning we can be with their nasty habits, because there’s little history yet.
 
Then time passes by, and we slowly start adding more micro-disappointments to the list of ‘everything my partner did to me’, until they become macro-disappointments.
 

• He forgot to call you he was going to be late. Again.
• She wasn’t able to listen without becoming your therapist… as always.
• They never initiate sex, it always needs to come from you

Yadayadayada.
 
It first happens once. Then twice. Then again and again. Then always. Until it’s no longer their behavior, but a character trait. “You ARE such a lazy fuck.” “You ARE unable to be present with me.”
 
Because the behavior directly affects us, we can’t really look at the reality of the situation with a lot of clarity anymore.
 
The kindness and compassion that usually lives in our hearts has flown out of the window, and we opened the door to let the Judge in.
 
Helloooooo sabotage system!!!
 
Yes. It’s a sabotage system indeed.

Letting the vinegar in = sabotage

It can show up as anger. Or complaint.
Or as hash coldness, stonewalling.
Perhaps it’s the pleaser in you. The controller. The avoider.
 
In any case, it’s your system trying to protect you from danger, which it has done so many times before.
 
And now that you’re in the midst of danger zone – with your partner consistently doing it ‘wrong’ in your eyes, what else can you do but defend yourself and get the vinegar out?
 
I understand.
I know that the indignant and righteous one inside of you thinks it deserves better. And you know what? You maybe do!!
 
But there’s also this nasty truth: we gotta make things work with the partner we have, not the partner we deserve.
 
(Disclaimer: this obviously does not apply to verbal, physical, emotional or any kind of abuse.)
 
It’s like Joseph Campbell said:

​​“We must be willing to let go of the life we planned, so as to have the life that is waiting for us.”

 And so, dear reader. Without knowing your personal situation and the dynamic between you and your beloved. Which I’m sure they need to work on ;-).
 
The best you can do, is to change your own stance and behavior. 

​​Find your ‘circle of choice’ (influence, as Covey names it) where you have room to choose differently.
 

1. Put the vinegar back into the kitchen cabinet. It doesn't work unless you make salad.
2. Get the honey out. It’s so much sweeter.
3. Now, drip it over your truth. That’s what Terry Real, my mentor, calls: loving firmness.

Your message may now sound like this:
 
“Honey, I see you’re working so hard and I’m só proud of you. But I feel disrespected when you don’t call me when you’re going to be late. I made great food again, and now it’s cold. Please call me on time next time. What can I do to make that easier, so you won’t forget?”
 
“Babe, I love how wise you are. And I would love for you to listen to me only, without responding on what I need to do. Can I simply share what’s on my mind?”
 
“You’re so sexy and hot! And I soooo want you. I’d love to feel how you desire me too. I know that arousal works differently for you. Can we maybe get creative and find ways that work for us both so we can both feel met? I’d love to talk about this for about 20 minutes. You up for that?"
 
Even if they never change, at least you know you chose to rise up to the occasion. However, you might inspire your beloved to do things differently too. And with some good support from a relationship coach, you may very well turn the dynamic around.
 
May the honey drop lots!! Tasty, much?