Your need to be right... it won't help!

Do you want it, reaaaally want it?

Will you fight for it?

Come up with countless reasons?

Justify yourself in the process?

You’re not the only one…

Many people do it.
Perhaps almost all.
In almost every relationship this is a pitfall that can cost you your intimacy.

Because it doesn't work.

“What, Michelle… what is?!”

Well…

Here you go: The need to be right.

Imagine the last fight you had with your partner. Or a friend.

Stating your case is not relational

What did that look like?

Often, it’s something that resembles this:

The two of you state your case, and keep fending for yourself, disregarding the other person’s reality. You keep coming up with more reasons and evidence why they are doing what you say they’re doing, and they keep giving proof of why that’s not true.

You’re on opposite sides, and you’re both trying to make the other see why your reality is the right one.

Until the situation explodes with tears or yelling, or implodes with silent anger and withdrawal.

I know you’ve been there. Because we all get there sometimes ;-). (So do I!)

The thing is…

The need to be right is a strategy that does not work.
It’s not relational.
It doesn’t come from your mature self.
And it doesn’t get you want you need at all.

I love how my mentor Terry Real always says: “The only answer to the question who’s right, is: who cares.”

I fully agree.

You can either be right, or you can be loved.

2 Subjective realities

Because, in the end, when there are two beautifully imperfect people in a relationship, with their own history, nervous systems, preferences and filters, there are two subjective realities.

Coming up with evidence of why you’re ‘in the right’ is trying to bring in objectivity in the relationship, which is impossible.

Objectivity in relationships does not exist.

So instead of proving your point, why don’t you dig a little deeper?

What do you need?

What’s the request that is behind your argument?

Is there something you’d like your partner to give you, do for you, or not do anymore?

Then say it. Thát’s true vulnerability.

And if you’re the one who argued about a request your partner made, ask yourself: what would it cost me to give them this?

And what would it bring us?

Can I bring myself to do something for my beloved, even if it’s only for them?

You are on the same team!

Remember this, Michelle... you are on the same team.

Two people fighting for their ‘right’ actually shows two nervous systems who are feeling somewhat unsafe and feel the need to protect themselves.

Protection is not connection.

I’d love to invite you to come back to connection next time you’re in the middle of a ‘who’s right’ fight.

Take a breath.
Maybe a time-out.
State your request, and keep that to the topic at hand, don’t maximize it.
Hug it out.
Make love.

And laugh real hard ;-).