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Why do we stop communicating?
Why do we stop sharing?
Last week, I shared about how communication is crucial, especially when there’s a temporary disconnect in your relationship (or situationship).
I gave you a practical sentence to use when you feel you can’t be in contact for a short while.
And yet, no matter how helpful this could be, we all know there’s more to it, don’t we?
Communication is generally not too big an issue when everything is sailing smoothly.
It’s when shit hits the fan that communication becomes a thing.
Are you still able to open up to each other then?
Do we create deserts or floods?
Including our partners in our inner reality
When we stop sharing, we no longer include our partner in our inner reality. We shut down, stop talking, we think we need to do it alone. We become deserts; everything feels dry. Our partners feel left out and we may hold even more grudges.
When we overshare, we feel an urge to explain the same thing over and over and over again trying to make a point. It’s like we flood the other with our inner reality. Our partners may feel overwhelmed and shut down even more.
The thing is: there’s a deeper longing underneath both mechanisms that may require some attention.
I’m talking about the longing to be seen, heard and received by others.
We stop sharing out of fear of not being received.
It’s a fear of not being loveable when we show our deepest pain, doubts, insecurities, rawness, mess.
What if we’re too much?
What if we’re considered a nuisance?
What if they judge me?
What if they don’t understand?
What if they try to fix me instead of be there for me?
What if they can’t hear me?
Ouch! A personal share...
My partner recently reflected something back to me on my own inability to listen unequivocally, which led him to stop sharing very crucial truths of his soul with me.
Despite all my efforts to shut my piehole, he felt I would still sometimes step into the role of the therapist instead of being his partner. (Something to do with habits on how my therapist and coach friends and I interact with each other).
Ouch.
He also reflected back to me that I tend to overshare sometimes.
Interesting dynamic eh?! Him under-sharing, me over-sharing.
Oversharing has the same root: the fear of not being received leads to overcompensation through over-sharing.
Different sides of the same coin.
The truth is that we both long to be truly received by the other.
We all want to feel that all of us is welcome.
And we want the acknowledgement and affirmation that when we dó share, it’s being received fully. We just have different strategies sometimes.
Every time we really share authentically, there’s a deep relief. An opening, a relaxation. A sigh of relief. It all starts flowing again.
So how can your sharing help you, without spilling over into non-sharing versus over-sharing?
I’d love to give you 3 pointers on how to share in a healthy way:
1. Set a clear framework when you share.
Do you want them to listen only, so you can share uninterrupted for a specified amount of time without repercussions? Or are you open to reflections, feedback, questions and them calling you out? Being clear up front about your needs can make a huge difference.
2. Become truly intimate with your own experience.
Understanding that your experience is yours, and nobody else’s, nor is anyone responsible for it. When you share unapologetically, from the depths of your soul, you will automatically take ownership of your inner process. Make sure you talk about what you feel, without blaming others for their actions. It’s your experience.
3. You’re on the same team
Remember, you’re on the same team and sharing helps to bring you both closer. Sharing is not blaming, attacking, projecting, judging, criticizing, making it all about you as the victim, nor is it a stage for you to unconsciously display your wisdom and teachings (note to self). Sharing is an authentic expression of what happens within you, with the intention of letting the other person become a witness to your process. That requires trust. On both sides.
I hope this helps a little, dear you.
Next week: more on un-helpful communication techniques that you may want to shift into helpful ones!
For now, if you know that there’s a potential to improve your communication skills, relationship, confidence, selflove… let me know if you need my support!
Much love,
Michelle
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