Relationships & Communication: When you assume, assume the best

True story:

I spent twenty minutes trying to share something with my partner in a 5-minute voicenote. I recorded it, cancelled again, re-recorded, cancelled again.

All to make sure that my message would come across clearly, sensibly, empathically, and make him feel safe and seen, while also taking care of my needs by being honest. I included my voice for tonality, nuance and I made an effort so he could understand what was going on for me, while also hearing that I was in a grounded, solid place.

His response: 5 bluntly written sentences.

No ‘hello love’.
No voice, so no tonality or nuance.
No emoji to soften anything.
No context.

Most importantly: not a single word of acknowledgement or response to anything I shared.

Just 5 sentences (a ‘sharing’ he explained later) that left me confused and guessing what he meant to communicate.

He had a headache. So did I.
I was on my period. So was he. 😄

Communication differences

It was a classic case of two people, feeling shit, with very different communication styles ánd skills.

Admittedly, part of me got upset.

Why can’t he be more empathetic?!

Why can’t he show me the same care and effort that I always put into my communication towards him?!

No wonder HE always feels so safe with me. I go through allllll the trouble to always consider his wellbeing. But the other way around I just have to take in the harshness. Fuck that!

But part of me also got intrigued.

Especially if you recognize this anecdote so far, I’d love to invite you to become curious with me.

(Curiosity is the antidote to judgement and complaint, if you ask me)

Anyway…

Sender versus Receiver

Communication is very much about the sender and how they communicate something.

"C’est le ton qui fait le musique", which means that by being considerate of the receiver and how your message may feel to them, you can prevent a lot of misunderstandings.

But communication is just as much about the receiver and their filter that the message goes through.

Meaning that if you’re at the receiving end of a message coming from someone who’s ‘different’ from you in the way they communicate (perhaps even sucks at it ;-) ), you actually have control over how you interpret it. You are the one attaching meaning to the words.

We all know this, yet in the heat of the moment, you might forget about this fact.

Your initial response might be to get triggered.
To feel appalled by their lack of sensitivity.
To get angry because you’re not being given the same curtesy that you give them.
That inner child in you may start nagging, screaming, feeling entitled to more.

The thing is…

That’s on you, dear one.
This is your trigger…

Remember: they are not you. They are different.

Truly accepting them

Question is…

Can you accept that?
Can you truly receive them, also with their (sometimes) bluntness, instead of rejecting them?
Can you trust them to have your back, even when the words may feel harsh?

I asked myself, and perhaps this serves you too: what if I simply assume that my partner always means well? What would that do with me when I read his bluntness?

Helpful communication is a responsibility that lies with both communicator and receiver.

It is a two-way street.

But when you’re on the receiving end, you can do your part by being curious.

By asking instead of assuming.
And when you dó assume, assume the best.

much love,

Michelle