|
They say that communication is the oil in relationships. I só agree ;)
Yet, it can also be a great source of frustration when you seem to communicate entirely differently.
The frustration of not being heard.
The pain of not being received.
The confusion when there’s little engagement.
The agony of somebody not being present with you.
Through communication we share so much of ourselves.
We share through words, tonality, consistency, and even more: lack thereof. Yes.
Even without saying something, you're communicating a lot.
That’s something I’d love to tune in with today.
Non-communication.
My ex-partner recently joked that if there’s one thing a lover shouldn’t put me through, it’s not communicating. Disconnecting, suspending contact, without giving me a heads-up.
We laughed about the truth of it. Because yes: I truly detest it.
I’ve been there with lovers, yet also in long-term relationships. I’d feel it instantly when they slowly or suddenly would withdraw – it’s an energetic happening that brings a shift that’s very perceivable to my heart. However, it's my mind that tries to overthrow this by reassuring me that ‘this isn’t really happening’. Classic denial.
Ever been there?
You feel that the communication changes, becomes slightly more infrequent, sometimes even absent, the words and level of engagement become more superficial.
And you're left guessing what the f*ck is happening?
You might doubt yourself.
Is it me?
What did I do wrong?
When they're needing space
Basically, you may start gaslighting yourself. It must be your fault, after all.
In 99% of the cases, it essentially has nothing to do with you, though.
Your love interest simply needs space.
Or maybe it's you who withdraws and needs to go inward a bit.
Now, there’s nothing wrong with needing space.
It’s very okay to want to disconnect for a bit and be on your own.
Perhaps to process, perhaps to reflect, or just to do zip.
It’s normal, healthy… and it should be super okay to notify the person you’re dating / in a relationship with that you need a little bit of me-time.
The thing is: this is something that you need to C O M M U N I C A T E about.
How to express when expressing feels difficult?
Expressing (= outward) may feel extra challenging when you're in an inward, non-communicative state.
This is why I’d love to literally give you the words, so that as soon as you notice the need to withdraw, when communication becomes even harder, you only have to copy-paste them.
"Hey babe, I’m noticing that I’m a little bit drawn inward at the moment. I feel I need a few hours / days to reflect and be on my own. Could you give me that space? I’d really appreciate it! I’ll contact you by [fill in]."
Or if you notice your lover going inward and you feel confused, ask this:
"Hey babe, I'm sensing that you're withdrawing a bit, is that correct? It makes me feel a little confused and insecure on what to do. I'd love to know what it is that you need, so that I don't have to keep guessing. Could you let me know?"
Clear, simple, safe.
3 simples guides to clear communication
What’s important here is that you:
- observe what's happening within you or the other (I notice, I sense, I feel that)
- express what’s going on for you emotionally (you feel withdrawn, overwhelmed, tired, grumpy, confused, insecure)
- and very importantly: you give clarity on what you need or when you’ll contact each other again, etc. Remember: A sharing without a request can be perceived as a complaint...
Will this always be received and reciprocated with open arms?
Well, it may still cause fear, shutting down, not knowing what to do, but… it’s a mature start that opens up for new habits of communicating.
It creates the opportunity to connect in new ways.
This is actually how we can all heal from our own past and potential attachment wounds.
Communication really is só crucial.
It helps to relax, soften, bring space.
There are many more layers to this, but for now, let me end here.
If there’s anything I can support you with, by all means: let me know!
Much love,
Michelle
|
EN 
NL